Your sweet breath on mine,
the taste I kept,
breathing in the words you wouldn’t say
saying the things I didn’t want to hear;
our goodbye.
your arms secured my body
pulling me close;
I wasn’t letting go.
your hands were mocking mine,
making a memory of each curve,
consuming your heat through
the gray cotton,
pushing on every muscle
to remember what strength felt like.
your eyes fell intensely into mine,
I’m sure you felt my heart clap,
our bodies were pressed
so close.
your hands, tracing up my spine,
tingling my senses
till they cradled my face in between.
you held me there so I would listen.
you smiled at my reaction
and at the sound the crickets made
while quickening their pace from the
heat we radiated,
before bending low to speak;
“goodbye’’
your lips spoke to mine.
“goodbye”
mine spoke back.
Our language we kept in sync,
singing in harmony
for our last brief moment.
Then, you pulled away with
one last look.
Your head lights were smugged
by the combination of salt and water,
but I kept watching
as my world changed.
that is my poem so far.
5 comments:
wow...i'm speechless because this is very good no lie... it's very descriptive and i can actually imagine the two people, the word choice is also beautiful
I want to be critical but this is really good. i cant think of anything to improve on. you really captured a feeling here and it shows.
I don't think this is sleazy at all. It's beautiful. It was chillingly so. I could just imagine the close up, so close. I could just imagine the whole poem. Beautiful beautiful.
i love you katie! It mkaes me a bit sad, but this is amazing.. wow.. breathless you could call it? I love it though
Alright so im here to be critical -- now personally -- i can't really write about something like this and it doesnt exactly intrigue me -- mostly because love just aint ma thing -- i liked the enjambment or w/e -- you a pro -- (and now im here to be critical because you asked me too) try to write it in a more intriguing way to people like me who could honestly care less about love --- The language is beautiful the way you worte it is beautiful but it just feels like i've read it before -- not necessarily in your writing but in everyone elses. And I'm not trying to undermine the obvious passion you put into the poem and its meaning to you but the most interesting poems and most intriguing poems to me are the ones that make you think a little and after you dwell on it a little bit you realize a very important message -- okay now just an example -- my favorite poet john Keats wrote love poems and his poems talk about wordless love -- yet he isnt so literal about it -- he concentrates on something smaller, whether it be a feeling or an object and he manages to fabricate a meaning that leaves you with a more fulfilling message... yes thats my critisism -- i dont know how you could change it any other way that find a way to be not so literal and intrigue people such as myself that can't really relate.
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